5 Huge Problems First Worlder’s Would Have With the Apocalypse4 min read

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Holy Sh*t, you’re in the apocalypse.

Foot fungus, moldy chips, green teeth, just a few of the things that might be of daily issue when the world as we know it undoubtedly crashes one day most likely due to pirates, or raging Call of Duty fanboys. The apocalypse. You’ve seen it in movies, comics, and read it in books, but have you really thought into it?

What if the world you’ve grown so comfortable in was changed next week? How would you update your status in a wasteland? What would you do without Wifi? What about the games you just pre-ordered? A few examples, but lets look at a couple reasons the post-apocalyptic lifestyle would suck for you:

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1. No internet.

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No longer would you be able to post perfectly-plucked selfies, update your status about how pretty your healthy homemade cheese pizza is- in a detailed digital image that would clearly rival any master photographer. No music downloads would mean that we would have to resort back to horrors such as the Compact Disks, and lost tech such as boomboxes and walkmen. Just imagine the wars over iPod’s containing loaded music and a full charge. Heads would roll over old Hurricane Chris songs. Who is Hurricane Chris? Exactly, but in the apocalypse, anything is a top ten billboard hit. And it goes without mentioning the lack of Netflix. We would actually have to resort to watching people walking, instead of actually watching The Walking Dead, bummer.

2.  Lack of Cell Phones/GPS – Google Maps.

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What a sad day in history for those of us who have become so accustomed to being able to ring someone up, and presumably meet up at for some  local fun at our leisure. Not to mention the amount of us that would likely fall to the waste-side just from getting lost trying to find our way back to camp, then collapsing from an disoriented exhaustion brought-on fit, bubbling at the mouth. The world is a big place, when you have no idea- “Hey is that. .”  your last words before you slip into a river Google Maps didn’t tell you about, gone lost forever floating in obscurity, just like your hopes and dreams. Where is that “survivalist guy” when you need him?

3.  Not Being Able to Be Fresh Like Springtime.

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One thing, it’s hard to feel the sexiness when your mate’s mouth is full of orange and brown shiners, or not-shiners for that matter. Say goodbye to your prized shampoo, and hello to a matted forest clump of fur that is now your hair. . . ball. Not to mention that thin greasy film that will cover your body all over, or the accompanying smell that comes with it. Yeah, It’s easy to imagine that dust, and dirt would be your new best friend, Earth’s natural protector, to bad you never learned how to live off the land and keep clean. Oh, and also bugs. . .  in your pants, and face. . . simply lovely. Feel free to curl up into the fetal position anytime now.

4. E.W.Y.C.  – Eat What You Capture.

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A.K.A Once the only applicable food you had runs out, i.e. no more Hot Pockets, or Captain Crunch bars, the only choice left is to dine on a meal of pidgins, possums, ducks, or any other moronic, overly-abundant population of creature that would undoubtedly roam the land freely once the people and mobile-cars are out of the way. That’s what you eat now, eyeballs and all. You don’t know how to catch-and-prepare live food you say? Too bad, there’s no microwaves in the wilderness, you’re own your own. Oh, and don’t forget about their ability to feast on you as well, no-one wants to wake up with thirteen ducks snipping at their butt. That’s just simply unpleasant.

5. No. More. Power.

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Yep, of course, all good things must come to an end. Along with all the other things that would cease to exist, including video games- which alone would be enough to drive a nice amount of the population to insanity, leading them to become disillusioned parkorers, leaping onto peoples heads at random like crazed Mario-fanatics.

But yes like all others, say goodbye to the luxury of lights and electricity. Are you afraid of the dark? Well you’ll be glad to know that you will finally be able to overcome your fears, because you will no-longer have the choice. Know how when it storms, or there is a light rain- according to your area- and your power goes out? Well try it being like that all of the time, yeah say hi to your new best bud- fire. Queue the scary nature sounds.

So you know those people labeled as weird, the “Doomsday prep people?” Or even those people who actually, go outdoors? Well, maybe they’re not so crazy after all. . . matter of fact, maybe you should befriend one, or join the fan club. Besides, the underground condos can’t be all bad once your get used to them.

 

Wolfe Spires

All about writing those interesting stories. If you like creative and different fiction here is your source to it!

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